The Conflict Lover: Tips for Taming the Adversarial

A free article on Communication

What do you do with a person who seems to love conflict? You say black, they say white; you say up, they say down. After a while this can be demoralizing, especially if this person is in a managerial position.

Do you know someone who'd rather fight than switch?

Some people love to take the opposite view, regardless of the topic. This back-and-forth can be fun if you have a similar style. Occasionally, families enjoy playing devil's advocate in order to help each other find realistic solutions to difficult problems.

If overdone, however, a competitive or adversarial style can be demoralizing. When winning is the only objective, others find it difficult to be heard and become angry or silent. And a manager with this style can be an obstacle to team involvement.

What Does Your Adversary Really Want?

If you decide to talk with your conflict lover, work on yourself first.

1. See the conversation as an opportunity to clarify your purpose and to initiate a different kind of communication, one that will bring awareness to the way the two of you interact.
2. Ask yourself: Does he know he's doing this? What might be his reasons for using this style? Does he just like to win, or does he think that stirring things up stimulates a better work environment? Could he have positive intent but be unaware of the impact of his actions?
3. Be respectful by being clear about your intent. Ask for time to talk about something you hope will improve things. Find a purpose that's beneficial to all concerned. Why would this person want to change? What are the advantages of being open to input, and what are the disadvantages of continuing to invite conflict? Specific examples help.

Change the Conversation

1. Hold a different conversation. Up to now, you have been talking about content. Instead, respectfully give the person feedback on his/her conflict style and how it affects you (and the team). For example, you might explain how what you perceive as their adversarial style makes others hesitant to offer ideas that might improve your service.
2. If the person continues in this style (by arguing that you are wrong), point out how what he's saying is an example of what you're referring to. Remain respectful by reminding him and yourself that you want to be a good colleague and that you're offering feedback in the spirit of giving your best to the job.
3. Be specific about what you would prefer. The more specific you can be about the behavior change you believe would be helpful and why, the more the person can decide if it's in their interest to change.

What If ...?

What if, after all is said and done, the person doesn't listen to reason? What if you're not communicating in a way that he can hear? Perhaps he doesn't have the level of awareness needed to see the consequences. You still have choices.

* Continue to grumble and complain to everyone around you. Not my first choice.
* Accept and cope. Accept that the individual may not change, and continue to interact as best you can. For example, you basically like your job, your paycheck, and the stability they provide. Instead of trying to change the other guy, change yourself. Center yourself and turn the person into a practice.
* Leave. Find a new job; leave the relationship. This will take courage, inner work, and a life conversation about who you are, where you're going, and what life is asking of you.

Sometimes there isn't an easy answer. But there is power in asking the questions. Difficult people and situations invite us to clarify: values, purpose, and vision. And when you take responsibility for your choices, your conflict partner may take more responsibility, too.

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Information about the Author:

Judy Ringer is the author of Unlikely Teachers: Finding the Hidden Gifts in Daily Conflict and the award-winning e-zine Ki Moments. Judy is a nationally known presenter, specializing in unique workshops on conflict, communication, and creating a positive work environment. She is the founder of Power and Presence Training and chief instructor of Portsmouth Aikido, Portsmouth, NH, USA. To sign up for more free tips and articles like these, visit JudyRinger.com